A Spider Story (Just in time for Halloween)

This is one of the not so little spiders from my yard
This is one of the not so little spiders from my yard

The house I live in is over 100 years old. It is certainly FAR from fancy, and actually, it leans more to the side of “dilapidated”, but I have lived here for nearly three years now, and it is in a GREAT neighborhood, it’s (comparatively speaking) affordable, and I have gotten used to it. By “used to it”, I mean, I have grown accustomed to the ongoing battle between myself and mother nature, who seems to want to reclaim the house. I don’t pretend to think that I will ever really win. The best I can hope for is to keep an uneasy truce until I finally surrender.

There was the time when grass started growing on the top of a door frame in the living room. There was the slug infestation in the bathroom. There was the brave little mouse that had the nerve to dart right under my desk WHILE I WAS SITTING AT IT, because I had dropped some sunflower seeds there, and apparently, that is just like a personal invitation to a mouse. And then, of course, there are the spiders.

This is an actual spider in my kitchen.
This is an actual spider in my kitchen.

There are spiders of every type imaginable in this house. I have seen them in every room of the house, even once in my daughters underwear drawer. Most of the time, they are small and not very alarming, but then there are a few older, more mature spiders that look a little more threatening. Like the one that lives on the bathroom ceiling- it hangs out right above my head in the shower, and it never, ever moves. Unless you spray it with water, thinking it is dead, while you are standing right underneath it. Then, it moves A LOT. There are also two big ones that live in the dining area, but they hang out in crevices, mostly, and they don’t bother me. I used to kill them, but at some point, I started to get all weird and feel bad about it, and the good news is, we NEVER have mosquito’s. Of course, almost no one does around here, because this isn’t a very mosquito friendly area, but I can’t think of any other bright side, so that will have to work.

So, it stands to reason that if there are a lot of spiders in the house, the outside would be even more of a problem, right? Right. And knowing this, would you ever, in a million years, leave your car windows down overnight? No? Well, I would. Because I would never, not in a million years, think that spiders would choose to infest a car. Well, I was wrong about that. The other day, I was going somewhere, and in the space of like two minutes, I found not one, but TWO spiders in my car. One was hanging down by his spider thread just to the left of my face, and I quickly grabbed the thread and flung him out the window. The other one got away. They were very small, but still- a car should be a spider free zone, don’t you agree? Like, a car is not where you expect to have to deal with spiders. It should be an oasis of calm in a big sea of spiders. But yesterday, as I was driving to my daughter’s school for a meeting, I had something happen that even tested my spider tolerating limits. As I looked in the rear view mirror to check my face, a spider darted across my bottom lash line, towards the inner edge of my eye. That really happened. That spider is now incredibly dead, but there may still be traces of his DNA on my face, because I really did not want that spider to lay eggs in my eye. So I squished him. On my face.

Yesterday, my older daughter and I were sitting in the yard talking, and she looked at this weird tree back there- I don’t know what kind of tree it is, but it grows at the speed of light, and it has pretty purple flowers, and it seems to be the home of many, many spiders. “I really love this tree” Aisley said, “but I feel like it is probably infested with spiders.”

This is me making out with my dog- in the background, you can see the spider tree.
This is me making out with my dog- in the background, you can see the spider tree.

“Oh, it totally is.” I agreed, and we studied it for a minute, the way, when you look hard enough, you can see the weird, grubby webs wrapped around almost every bit of green on the tree. When you sit out there at night with the porch light on, you can watch the little translucent spiders dropping down, one by one.

“Just think,” I said, “If the spiders all got together and decided to take over, there would be nothing we could do. If they all decided they wanted to rush us, we’d be dead. They could crawl up our noses, and in our ears.”

“Oh my God, ” Aisley chimed in, ” And we couldn’t lock them out of the house- they are too small. The could totally murder us.”

We sat there for a moment, pondering this. I think when you start to worry about a spider rebellion, it may be time to call for help. But I’ll wait until next week- the spider’s totally decorated for me, for free.

Happy Halloween!

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2 thoughts on “A Spider Story (Just in time for Halloween)

  1. When you were a new baby, about two months old, in your little plastic carrier (with no seatbelt!!) we were driving downtown in Fresno, and A BIG FUCKING SPIDER CLIMBED UP MY LEG INSIDE MY JEANS!!!! (We’d been at Papa and Grandmas, so I know where that bastard came from…) I started swerving through traffic, trying to smash him inside my jeans. He was as big as a 50 cent piece, at least!!! I got PULLED OVER FOR DRIVING DANGEROUSLY!!! When I got out of the car, the cop got scared cuz I popped out and started slapping at my leg with both hands, screaming wildly. You slept through the whole event, which turned out to be typical for you….

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