Amphetamines OR So You Want To Ruin Your Life

*Disclaimer* I am in no way endorsing the use of drugs. This is intended to be a joke. If you have no sense of humor, please, don’t read this. It’ll only piss you off.

I’ve talked about this in a roundabout fashion, here, before. I told you all that I, not so very long ago, was in the grip of a monstrous addiction. What I did not tell you was to what, and if I were a reader who didn’t know me, that would drive me crazy. I would want to know exactly what drug this writer was strung out on. So I’m just going to tell you (in case you didn’t figure it out already via the title) that my drug of choice was amphetamines. When you say it like that, it sounds so professional. If I were to be specific, methamphetamines were the type I preferred. But you know, we didn’t call it that, either. We just called it “shit”. Which, looking back, seems highly appropriate.

Have you ever entertained the idea of, perhaps, trying this drug at one time or another? Is there anything I can say to you to dissuade you? What if I told you I had strong evidence that there is really NOTHING good that could come of it…unless, of course…well, lets just run through this little list real quick. If any of these things sound good to you, then hey, what the heck. Be my guest.

1.) You’ve decided that you hate your teeth, and want to destroy them in the quickest, most painful way possible.

2.) You’ve decided that “skinny” just isn’t cutting it anymore- you want to go more for the “starving” look. I used to joke (sickly) that I was trying to get back to my original weight-8 pounds.

3.) You think it would be a lot of fun to spend four or five hours a day picking your face in a mirror and/or plucking your eyebrows…or both, even.

4.) You’ve decided that you love where you are in your life so much, be it adolescence or young adulthood, that you want to prolong it indefinitely. Your life may certainly change, but not for the better- however, you will find yourself, at whatever age you finally knock it off, the mental age you were when you started. You have missed the boat, sunshine. Now it’s catch up time.

5.) You want to see if staying awake for four or five days in a row really makes you hallucinate. It does. You can skip this one.

6.) You want to see if Meth is really as addictive as they say it is. It is. You can skip this one, too.

7.) You are tired of all your boring old dreams and aspirations. You want to destroy them and throw them all away.

8.) You have a real problem with arriving places on time. You can’t seem to ever be late, and it’s high time you started making people wait.

9.) You find that you just aren’t enjoying sex and have heard that meth will increase your sex drive. Yes, this works for some people. Unfortunately, you may not be quite as picky about WHO you are having that sex with, which could be a bit of a problem down the road. Also,  sober sex may be a little more…well, sober, but the risk of stroke is drastically reduced.

10.) You kind of like the way acne looks on you. (of course, I seem to be enjoying this look anyway, but at least now I have insurance and can go to the doctor to have it dealt with.)

11.) You have no desire whatsoever to have any financial, emotional or mental stability either now or in the foreseeable future.

12.) You look way too young and would really like to age yourself at least five years, preferably in the next 6 months or so.

13.) You are lonely and you want your phone to ring. So what if it is nothing but collection agencies. Anyway, you won’t have a phone for long, so enjoy it while you can.

14.) You want to distrust everyone you know and know that those feelings are reciprocated.

15.) You hate looking people in the eye, anyway.

Oh, I could go on and on and on. But I guess I won’t, because my mom reads this, and God knows I’ve put her through enough already. I highly encourage you to NOT choose to live your life the way I did for so very long. I am one of the very lucky, extremely blessed women who made it out intact. But, as they teach you in this little program I attend, all I have is a daily reprieve.

I am making a joke about it now because I can, and because I have learned that for me, laughter is therapeutic. If I didn’t laugh at how very poor my choices were, at all the mistakes I made, and how royally I screwed up…well, then I would just be sad, wouldn’t I?

I know some of my friends are going to read this…can you think of anything I could have added to the list? I really am interested in what you have to say.