Dear God

Dear God-

Hi! It’s me again. I’ll tell you up front that I don’t have anything really urgent to talk to you about, so if you are busy, you may want to get back to this later. Not that I doubt your multitasking skills for a minute, I’m sure you’re way better at it than your average human being, but…you know what I mean. I just wanted to check in, let you know I am still here, I haven’t checked out on you. I hope you don’t mind that I am putting you in my blog. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone, you know?

I’ve been a little down lately. Seems like no matter how hard I try, things around here stay about the same, if not worse. I know I don’t do everything right, not by a long shot, and I don’t pretend that I have a clue about how to create the family and the results I long to see. I can see the end result in my head, but I don’t know how to get there. Maybe I just don’t have the right personality for domestic stuff. Maybe I just don’t have enough help…it would be nice if all of us around here could pull it together and work as a unit for once. It seems like we all just live together and have totally separate lives. This just isn’t the way I thought it would be.

I know I should be grateful, and I AM! I know how lucky I am to have two healthy, beautiful daughters, a fantastic and well paying job that I like, and coworkers who are like an extension of my family. I know how lucky I am to have a house at all, let alone in a safe, pretty town half a mile from the beach. I’m SO lucky to be healthy, to be safe, to be loved. I’m not trying to downplay any of that stuff. I let you know all the time how thankful I am to be where I am in life…I think I know better than some how much worse it could have turned out for me. And I know I will NEVER know as well as others do what it means to really be without. Even at the worst times in my life, I could always count on a roof over my head, food when I was hungry. All in all, I’ve lived a pretty blessed life.

So you’ll have to forgive me for being so selfish and telling you that, still, I want more. Can we talk for a minute about this relationship I’m in, God? I know, I know- I can FEEL you rolling your eyes at me, up there. I know you have much more concerning issues on your hands, like global warming, the middle east in general, and the end of times right around the corner. I get that, in the big scheme of things, my love life is really a non-issue, but humor me. You, he, and I know the whole story of us…you know how hard I have tried, how many things I’ve worked through, looked past, compromised on. You know the doubts I’ve struggled with since the very start. All of that, to wind up here-ambivalent, stuck, distanced. My heart is just out of forgiveness, God, and I don’t know how to move forward from this place. I don’t even want to forgive anymore, and that has been the one thing I had that assured me there was still really love between us. Without it, it’s like my heart is completely closed. I know he feels it, my disconnect, and I don’t want to make it hard on him, but I can’t help it. I’ve got nothing left, and there’s no way I can pretend differently. I start to feel bad about it, then it occurs to me that he absolutely brought this on himself.

Obviously, I can’t go on like this for very long. So the big question is, what now? I know it’s really up to me, that I didn’t seem to ask for a lot of advice when I was making all the decisions that led me to here. I don’t expect a giant arrow in the clouds pointing me to my dream life, or an email with a power point slide show detailing my options and all possible outcomes. Although, come to think of it, I wouldn’t turn that down, either. I guess I would just like to ask for some clarity, soon. If you could please help me pay attention, so I don’t miss possible answers. If I could just have a head that is quiet enough to really think this through.  If you could maybe help me feel certain when I hit on the right idea, instead of doubting myself into inaction like I’ve done so often. God, if you could please  just help me not be afraid. I’m choosing to hold onto unhappiness because I am so afraid of messing everything up.

It seems so wasteful to work so hard for something you thought was possible, only to find that it could never have become that thing, no matter what you did to help it along. I want to be happy, God, and not because everything is perfect and I am so accomplished and polished and wonderful-I want to be happy the way you are when your heart is peaceful, and you aren’t constantly on your guard. I want to relax, God. I don’t care if that means I have to be alone…I will miss the familiarity and companionship, for sure. I will miss having someone that is pulling their share of the weight of this life. But I will not miss hunting for the true story underneath his words. I will not miss the loneliness that comes with loving a man you cannot risk trusting. I will not miss the fear of all of the things I don’t know yet. Every day of our life together, I have felt their presence, a constant undercurrent.

Please help me be strong, sure and kind- help me not let my mean nature complicate things. Help me to remember that he is a good father, a hard worker, that he probably did the best he could, too. He’s just working with a different set of tools than me. If there is a way to mend this, God, I am all ears- I’d like to tell you that I don’t see how, but you’re the big miracle guy, here, so it’s your call. I don’t want to hurt the baby, and she loves us both so much. I don’t want to complicate my life by changing everything, AGAIN, but I believe I am of no real use to anyone like this.

Other than that, God, I think all is well. I am always glad, at the end of a day like this, that things tend to look less impossible in the light of day. Thanks for this beautiful life.

Love,

Courtney

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13 thoughts on “Dear God

  1. Wow…very heartfelt & honest prayer. I was just reading in Psalms today where David—the “man after God’s own heart”—also poured out his heart to God with some despair and frustration. But in the end, just like you, he could always see God’s faithfulness & thank Him for all He’s done, no matter how frustrated life had made him feel. This is a post that really makes one think…glad you shared this!

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    1. Well, I’m glad you liked it…this is really like the conversations I have with God. Maybe a little more wordy, since I am aware that people will be reading this no matter how hard I try to forget. I’m not at all a religious person, but I have always believed in God, since I was way too little to have even been thinking about stuff like that. My parents never talked about God, never took me to church, nothing. Yet I still was doubtless about His existence. I always thought that was a little weird…I think it makes me even more of a believer that I believed before I even knew what that meant. Anyway, thanks!

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      1. What a cool story of faith. Relationship—the talking & communicating with God—is so much more important that the “religion.” I do find church to be helpful in my spiritual growth, but it is a personal relationship with God that matters most. Thanks again for sharing this!

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    1. I don’t even know what to say…I’m just, like, dead inside. I’m notorious for delayed reactions, though. I’ll probably freak out pretty soon. Right now, I could give a shit less about looooovvvvveee. Nothin’ but trouble!

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  2. With each post of yours, I feel so much more closer to you.. I feel like our thoughts just ring in the same tunes… I pray to God that he reads your prayer as well as your mind and reveal his “Greater plan for you ” as soon as possible..

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    1. Thanks, girl. Sorry it took me so long to reply, it was a gorgeous day here today and I tried to get the baby outside for a while, plus I had a bunch of stuff to do…like play “words with friend.” (I am so sick of my obsession with that game, I want to throw my phone away.) Anyway, I appreciate your comment and I’m really glad you relate. I know everything will work out fine.

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  3. Dearest Court, I read that and it leaves me speechless. How unhelpful is that? I think it was you who said that underneath all this we are just animals and that gut feeling is real. Raising kids? Keeping a family together? A daily loud, messy, painful, imperfect business. Being grateful is the only thing that keeps us sane. That is for sure. I am thinking of you and praying that God reveals himself to you and his plan.
    Heidi

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    1. I have no doubt he will. in time…and I am fine for the time being, I guess. I don’t want to do this alone, but I sure as hell don’t want to do it like this, either. I guess it’s up to me to make the changes. I am just trying not to do anything dramatic and drastic and end up messing with the baby’s little, happy head. That’s the worst part of all. Ack.

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  4. If we lived on the same coast I’d offer real rather than virtual, but hopefully it helps a little bit– (((((HUGS))))) I hope that your prayers are answered and that you find some comfort. You’re an amazing woman and you definitely deserve happiness and joy.

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  5. You are doing the most important things, Court – continuing to count your blessings, while being honest with that woman in the mirror. Your core stuff is the right stuff – keep the lines open with God and the answers will be forthcoming sooner than you can imagine. Trust your instincts. I love you.

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