That song, old as it may be, knows of what it speaks. I know- you would think a woman rapidly approaching an age so advanced she no longer feels great about blurting it out (even though I still look GOOD, thank you) would already be aware of this, right? Well, as I may have mentioned here, or maybe in my REAL blog (just kidding, this one is real, too), I am a super late bloomer. I was too busy doing drugs in bathroom stalls all across the west coast to form many mature, enduring bonds. So this is pretty much the first time I have gone this far into something with another, fully invested, human being. And it has utterly failed. Which really sucks.
Argh! I am writing this to cheer myself up and be funny, and instead those last few sentences sent me running for another roll of toilet paper to sop up my face with. As you can tell, I am a little emotional. I guess that is normal, but what do I know? I know I could have probably been over it and on with my life if I had just pulled the plug way back when I first realized we weren’t going to make it. Shit, I could have been happily married after an average length engagement by now, if I would have done that. That’s okay, though. Some of the things I would have missed out on if I had were totally worth all the rest of this suckage.
Some of the things going through my head that I catch myself thinking are pretty understandable- things like: “What if this is actually the best you can do? What if this is really a great relationship and you are just a total fucking bitch and you are throwing it all away?” or “What if you just can’t be happy, period?” Luckily, though, I realize that these are trick questions posed to me by my own frightened heart. This is not the best I can do, it is not a great relationship, I AM a total fucking bitch, because I am miserable, and anything that makes you feel that way is okay to throw away. I know I am easily capable of happiness, because even in the midst of all this heartache, I have moments of it every day. The less weighted down I am by all of this turmoil, the easier it will be for me to laugh again.
Some other things I wonder about are, does it take this long for other people to split up? I mean, we have basically been in the process of parting, seriously, for the better part of the past year. Before that, even, I knew we were headed that way. I guess I just always thought that people had enough, broke up, divided up their stuff, and parted ways. Now that I am going through it, I realize it takes a long time to really throw the towel in. It has to hurt pretty bad, for pretty long, to finally admit you have lost. Even then, when you pretty much know that sticking around is probably going to destroy you, it is still hard and sad to say goodbye. I don’t know why I need to know if that is normal or not- all I need to know is that it is what is happening in my life, and I am dealing with it the best I can.
Some of the more amusing thoughts I have noted scampering through my twisted little mind are these:
“I guess this means I am going to have to start being fussy about how I look all the time, now.”
“What if he finds someone faster than me? And what if she is prettier than me? And younger? (etc., etc.)” Then I realize what I am thinking, and that I don’t want to even date anyone for a good, long time…and also, how much of a bummer it will be for the next girl, when she realizes what she is dealing with. Maybe she’ll get lucky, and be too dumb to see through the nonsense. Maybe, just maybe, he won’t fool around on her. Maybe I should just stay out of his imaginary future relationships, though.
My very favorite candid thought so far, though, has got to have been this: “What if the next guy I’m with has a smaller penis?” I seriously contemplated this, and came to the conclusion that…well, that would really suck. I don’t know what else I can say about that. Except, REALLY? THAT is what you are worrying about?
Well…it’s one of the things. But at least it was a funny thing. Anyway, I am doing the best I can, and sometimes I feel more like posting than other times. I don’t want to bring the whole blogosphere down with my sad little life, so lots of times, I write in my handy-dandy notebook (thanks, Blue’s Clues, for that) instead. But I am always writing.
When I’m not, you know… thinking about the next ( hopefully enormous), penis I might encounter. Have a fabulous day!
After The Party 
Ah yes, contemplating the initial excitement/potential awkwardness of getting naked with someone else for the first time! It certainly leads to some amusing thoughts…
And speaking of your amusing thoughts, it reminded me of thoughts I’ve had before– when I hear or read women who are upfront about their desire/demand to have a man who is well-endowed, I wonder– what do these women do when they’re first getting to know some guy and they first discover that he doesn’t measure up to their minimal standards? I mean, presumably you’ve both shed some amount of clothes and are well on the path towards getting busy… do these women just shut it down immediately and send the poor fellow home with blue balls? Do they get him off, send him home and just never return his call? Do they explain that he just didn’t pass their own personal threshold and that it’s nothing personal? Or do they make it clear *before* clothes begin to get removed that he better be packing some serious heat?
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It’s usually a one and done type thing. You just have to go through with it, and then you try to bow out gracefully after that…but seriously, it’d have to be like, small-small to rule him out totally. There is a pretty good spectrum of acceptable, and that is different for every woman. I’ve just had outstanding luck in this area, for some reason. But the truth is, if he’s got a donkey penis and no mojo, it could still be not worth it. There are lots of things a guy can do to compensate for being less that blessed in that area, but at the end of the day, bigger is just better. In my opinion.
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Hahaha, “donkey penis with no mojo” sounds like an acquaintance of mine in high school, he never had a problem with getting girls in the sack due to reputation and the curious factor… but didn’t have too many repeats
I’ve just always wondered about those women who are very vocal about being size-queens, and I’ve wondered about the path of destruction in their wake, not just to the guys on the smaller side, but to the vast majority of men who fall in the middle 😉
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You are not alone in this. So many have gone through the same type of thing. I don’t really think there is a “normal” way, just your way. I moved all the way out to CA because I kept on getting back with my first love and we still saw each other two more times! Crazy, silly love and yet it all works out in the end.
I don’t know the whole story with you and your guy but you did seem much happier recently when you decided to split and you were focused on your writing. Perhaps that is what you are meant to do at this point in your life.
So stop thinking about penis size and write Courtney write!
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare
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