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Sober Thoughts

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I’ve had a wonderful few days…a wonderful past month, actually. I’ve had so much fun, done so many things, but most importantly of all, I have stayed off drugs and pretty much changed the course of my entire life. No big deal, hahaha. Seriously, though, things were headed in a really bad direction, and it took a massive effort to turn that ship around before it hit the iceberg. Funny thing, though- once it started turning, it took on a life of it’s own, and sort of took off towards better things.

Now, I find myself in a quandary. One of my main rules, this time around, were that I would follow my OWN rules- not the rules of any other person or organization. What I really meant by this was that I was not going to go to NA meetings, and I was going to drink if I wanted to, and not feel shitty about it. I have done this with total success. Sort of. I mean, I have had a few beers, several glasses of wine, and even a mixed drink, once, and this has been fine. That isn’t the issue I am having at all.

My issue is this: I really want to help people. I really want to take all of this experience I have, and all of the things I have learned, and offer it to other women who are new in recovery. Which is a hard thing to do when you aren’t actually IN recovery. I am not naive enough to think that just because this way works for me, it will work for everyone else. I honestly don’t think that one way could ever work for everyone else- hence, the issues I have with NA and AA. However, I do believe that the rules they have chosen to follow (alcohol is a drug, period) are the safest ones. Maybe some people can drink, but a lot of people can’t and shouldn’t, and it’s just better to be safe than sorry. Even if alcohol never becomes a problem, it certainly does lower ones inhibitions and defenses, and can lead to bigger, worse things. I am not disputing that, not at all.

I am also not the kind of person who will pretend to be something I am not. I will not go to meetings, do the whole deal, get to a point where I am able to sponsor other women, and be drinking on the sly the whole while. That is just not me. Trust is not something to be toyed with. Especially in a situation as delicate and important as someone’s sobriety is. It is literally life or death, sometimes. I could never be casual about something like that.

So what do I do? Find another way to help women like me? To be honest with you, I can’t think of any better way. Meetings are the place where I could be the most vital help. Right now I simply don’t think I am willing to give up the life I have right now. And that sort of bums me out. Is drinking really that important to me? No, I don’t think it is. I really don’t even drink often, and when I do, it is never much at all…I don’t think that’s it. I think that it is the utter freedom I have right now, to make whatever decision I want to, at any time I wish. I don’t have this whole set of “suggestions” in the back of my head to guide me, and I don’t need them.

It’s not that important to me, but it’s not something I am ready to give up, either. It is something I am thinking about. I’m thinking really hard about it. Because maybe it’s not about me, and what I want to do. Maybe it’s about the needs of others, and it’s a small sacrifice I can make of myself so that I can be there to help. I haven’t decided yet, but I will let you know when I do. 

Have a wonderful day. 

 

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Author:

I'm a single mom living life fully after years of intense addiction, trying to navigate life with grace-and failing spectacularly, sometimes. Learning to be a grown up In my 40's, without losing my lust for life, or my faith in humanity. Come, watch the antics. It should be fun (for you, at least).

One thought on “Sober Thoughts

  1. AA & NA are not for everyone, I am sure there are people out there that would benefit from your help. I hope you find a way to make it work!

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