I’ve had a wonderful few days…a wonderful past month, actually. I’ve had so much fun, done so many things, but most importantly of all, I have stayed off drugs and pretty much changed the course of my entire life. No big deal, hahaha. Seriously, though, things were headed in a really bad direction, and it took a massive effort to turn that ship around before it hit the iceberg. Funny thing, though- once it started turning, it took on a life of it’s own, and sort of took off towards better things.
Now, I find myself in a quandary. One of my main rules, this time around, were that I would follow my OWN rules- not the rules of any other person or organization. What I really meant by this was that I was not going to go to NA meetings, and I was going to drink if I wanted to, and not feel shitty about it. I have done this with total success. Sort of. I mean, I have had a few beers, several glasses of wine, and even a mixed drink, once, and this has been fine. That isn’t the issue I am having at all.
My issue is this: I really want to help people. I really want to take all of this experience I have, and all of the things I have learned, and offer it to other women who are new in recovery. Which is a hard thing to do when you aren’t actually IN recovery. I am not naive enough to think that just because this way works for me, it will work for everyone else. I honestly don’t think that one way could ever work for everyone else- hence, the issues I have with NA and AA. However, I do believe that the rules they have chosen to follow (alcohol is a drug, period) are the safest ones. Maybe some people can drink, but a lot of people can’t and shouldn’t, and it’s just better to be safe than sorry. Even if alcohol never becomes a problem, it certainly does lower ones inhibitions and defenses, and can lead to bigger, worse things. I am not disputing that, not at all.
I am also not the kind of person who will pretend to be something I am not. I will not go to meetings, do the whole deal, get to a point where I am able to sponsor other women, and be drinking on the sly the whole while. That is just not me. Trust is not something to be toyed with. Especially in a situation as delicate and important as someone’s sobriety is. It is literally life or death, sometimes. I could never be casual about something like that.
So what do I do? Find another way to help women like me? To be honest with you, I can’t think of any better way. Meetings are the place where I could be the most vital help. Right now I simply don’t think I am willing to give up the life I have right now. And that sort of bums me out. Is drinking really that important to me? No, I don’t think it is. I really don’t even drink often, and when I do, it is never much at all…I don’t think that’s it. I think that it is the utter freedom I have right now, to make whatever decision I want to, at any time I wish. I don’t have this whole set of “suggestions” in the back of my head to guide me, and I don’t need them.
It’s not that important to me, but it’s not something I am ready to give up, either. It is something I am thinking about. I’m thinking really hard about it. Because maybe it’s not about me, and what I want to do. Maybe it’s about the needs of others, and it’s a small sacrifice I can make of myself so that I can be there to help. I haven’t decided yet, but I will let you know when I do.
Have a wonderful day.